Remembering my Dad

This is my Mom and Dad.

This is how I want to remember them both. Beautiful and happy.

But often, my happy memories of my childhood are clouded over by heartbreaking memories of them suffering and battling their illnesses.

Of my Mom lying in the hospital bed, shrunk to half her size, her arms bruised from all the needles poked into her arms. And of my Dad in a hospital gown, walking slowly down the hospital hall pushing a bag of fluid and smiling at me.

It is now 21 years since my Mom left us and 19 years since my Dad joined his love of his life in Heaven. I went through years of denial, anger, rebellion, and finally anguish.

When sadness took over, I missed them dearly.

My Dad was an amazing husband and father to us. He spent many years looking after our sick Mom, took over the house chores and cooking when my Mom was in the hospital and never failed to smile and make us laugh.

I can only imagine how tremendous the stress and heartache must be for him see my Mom suffering and slowing losing her ability to do almost anything. Despite all this, my Dad still found time to volunteer his time in Church.

There are some things I never forgot of my childhood and one of them was how my Dad used to bring me to the Little Sisters of the Poor to visit the old folks, to help feed them, and to do volunteer work at the Seniors' home.

I recently found some letters and postcards written by my Dad. He would always write to us when he used to travel for work. One letter made me choke up with tears. It was a letter written by my Dad on the hospital letterhead. An appeal letter addressed to the Principal of my then Secondary school. The year that he died was also the year both my sister and I were to take our final leaving examinations for entry into College and University.

As he was battling his illness, he was worried about us. That's a parent's love. An undying love. As I read the letter, each and every word pouring out from his heart, my tears overwhelmed me and I cried out loud. It has been a while.

I love you, Daddy.

Thank you for being such a great person, someone I am so proud of and someone I so admire.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Linus!

Dear Linus,
Thank you for being the sweet, sensitive and loving little guy in our lives.
You have grown to be more independent in the past year, took an interest in drawing, developed your speaking abilities and triumped in being potty-trained.
You will start a new chapter in your life as you begin Pre-school this year and we look forward to sharing in your new adventures and discoveries!

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

A random conversation with Lucas

Lucas: Where is your Mommy?
Me: She is in Heaven with God.
Lucas: What is she doing with God?
Me: Maybe she is having tea.
Lucas: You cannot see her?
Me: No. Everyone dies. I was very sad when she died. Because I cannot see her anymore.
Lucas: She didn't have food?
Me: No. She was sick. Very sick.
Lucas: Can I have more green bean soup?

The demise of Lucas' beloved "Ta-Ta".

Born: April 2007
Departed: March 2011

Dear Ta-Ta,

You have lived a colorful life. Travelled to many countries and cities with me. On a ship, an airplane, train rides and countless rides in the car. You have enjoyed a life full of great experiences, mostly in my arms.

You have been a wonderful mate, sleeping partner, comforting presence and great company to enjoy my fingers with.

I will miss pulling your ears and poking my fingers into your torn head. I will miss the excitement of seeing you at bed-time. I will miss your wonderful smell made more appealing by my own salivation on your blue fur.

You will be dearly missed. But it's time I say good-bye to you.

I am a big boy now and I need to stop sucking my fingers. My Mommy told me there is a slug inside your head and if I keep sucking my fingers, the slug will come out from your head and into my mouth.

Bye bye, Ta-Ta. I will always love you.

Yours truly,
Lucas Fong
(an imagined speech by my Mommy dearest)

Lucas' first encounter with Ta-Ta.He begun to realise his fingers tasted good while he was holding Ta-Ta.Happy to be with Ta-Ta in his crib.Ta-Ta travels on Singapore Airlines.Ta-Ta visits the Oregon coast.Ta-Ta still has two ears.A great pillow to lean on.Bonding.Tata goes to Disneyland.Ta-Ta goes on a road trip. Even with a torn head.

Ta-Ta experiences the cold.

It's about to begin again.

Edwin & partner has bought another property in Richmond, B.C. for tear-down and rebuild. After almost six months of search, this is it. 4871 Mariposa Street with a lot size of 8048 sq ft.

I can see Edwin working from dawn to dusk at Mariposa. Hello to crazy days ahead.

A Wiggles fan

Untitled from Serene Ho on Vimeo.

I thought it apt to begin my first posting of 2011 with a video which is making me smile and giggle.

In memory of my Mother

On this day, 19 years ago, I used my handkerchief to wipe off the white foam coming out from my Mother's mouth. She laid lifeless on the hospital bed. The same bed she had spent months lying on, repeating tests after tests. The room had four beds, but it was quiet that evening, leaving only my Mother in the room, as if it was preparing for her exit from this world. I remember grief, sadness, anger and confusion. What happened after was a blur. I didn't have tears during the funeral. It was at the cremation that my pain became pronounced. I cried so much I don't think I heard a word of what anyone said.

Each time I recall the events of that fateful evening, the same grief and pain returns to me. The tears flow and my heart aches because I miss her so much.

My Mother was a beautiful woman. She was a fashionable lady and a fantastic cook. Despite spending half of her life battling Lupus, stricken to machines and heavy dosages of medication, she kept a smiling face as much as she could. There were days of distress when she could not tolerate her loss of bowel control, days of anguish when she felt incapacitated. But I still do remember her smile, even as she walked around the house, hooked up to a dialysis bag.

At the end of her battle with the disease, she had lost almost all her hair, and lost so much weight that her bones were protruding. The pain of seeing her in this state is too much to bear. I choose to remember her when she had a head full of beautiful hair, smiling at us as she stands in the kitchen, stirring up a wok of food. I choose to remember the days we spent helping her make pineapple tarts and watching her sew our New Year dresses.

It's hard to believe it has been 19 years. I often think about how my life would have been different if my parents did not leave us so early in our lives. Now that I am a Mother, my heart aches for my two sons who will never get a chance to know their maternal Grandparents and to find out what wonderful people they are.

On my Mom's 30th Birthday My sister & I were wearing dresses sewn by my Mom.